


Just Walk Away

by AgentCatt



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, Eventual Happy Ending, Felix is an angry child, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Knifeplay, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Purging, Recovery, Suicide Attempt, Uh so What if Locus took it upon himself to get Felix off Chorus, overdose attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-09-08 21:52:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 18,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8864083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentCatt/pseuds/AgentCatt
Summary: Right after the Purge Temple had been taken down, Felix gets ready to go to the Communication Temple to kill the Reds and Blues, right? Locus makes sure that doesn't happen. He gets them off the planet.





	1. Make It Easy On Yourself

               Locus rips his helmet off his head. He couldn't breathe. What exactly happened? Last thing he remembers is- oh. It all comes back to him slowly. He tries to sit up. Where's Felix?  
               He groans in pain. Why does it hurt so much? It isn't supposed to hurt. He feels hands just below his shoulders help hoist him up. He coughs for what seems like forever. He has a few broken ribs. He can feel it. He shouldn't. Wasn't he supposed to be machine? Machines never get injured.  
 "Felix...?" Locus coughs out.  
 "Get up. We have to go. There's a pelican a little way to the east." Felix doesn't look hurt. He sounds hurt though. He's breathing heavily. Kinda like a smoker. Doesn't surprise him.  
 "Go where? Everyone's dying. Our ship-"  
 "We're going to the communication temple. To kill the Reds and Blues."  
 "Felix. We've lost. Let us survive one more time."  
 "I'm going to get the pelican ready. Change your attitude." Locus watches Felix walk off in the direction of the pelican.  
              He'll die if they go there. They both might. Locus doesn't want to die. He prefers to keep Felix alive. They can leave. Find somewhere they can call home. Lie low. Just the two of them.  
              When Felix is out of sight, he forces himself to slowly get up. He strips himself of armor on his top half. It restricts his breathing too much. He leans against a piece of rubble. Felix isn't just going to leave. Not that simple.  
              He thinks. What can he do to get Felix to leave? Probably has to do something to render him unconscious. But how exactly? Without badly hurting him.  
              He walks in the direction Felix went. It doesn't take him long to find the pelican he was talking about. He looks at Felix, not knowing if this is the right thing to do. He'll be mad at him when he wakes up.  
 "Felix."  
 "Ah glad you could finally join me." Felix stops working on the pelican for a moment. He had taken off the top half of his armor as well. "Gonna lend a hand or what?"  
             Locus moves swiftly. He has Felix in a headlock pretty quickly. Felix squirms, trying to get out of it, but he's hurt as well. Not as much as Locus, but hurt enough.  
             It doesn't take long for the struggle to die down. Locus let's go slightly to see if it's just him faking. Can't be too careful.  
            When he feels that Felix isn't faking, he slowly picks Felix up and puts him inside the pelican. He sets Felix down then grabs a gun. He closes the back of the pelican and heads to the nearest tractor beam.  
             He's glad he was there to oversee the pirates work on the beams. He knows exactly how to take it out. And this is the one that will let them escape the atmosphere.  
             He quickly makes his way towards the tractor beam. It hurts so much with every step he takes. He tries not to think about it. He's had ribs that never healed correctly. These definitely won't heal correctly. He doesn't have time to do anything but take down the beam and get the hell out of dodge.  
            There are some rebel soldiers stationed at the temple. He sighs quietly to himself. This will make it a little bit difficult for Locus. It's only five soldiers. So maybe not that hard. They're in full armor and he's not.  
            He sneaks around to the back of the temple and tries to go in from there. He's lucky no one's covering the back. He makes his way in undetected. He makes it to the controls. He's very lucky right now. It doesn't take him long to get to work on the controls. The beam is down in minutes.  
             He hears the soldiers rush inside as he runs out. Today must be very lucky since he didn't get caught. He heads back to the pelican.  
            When he gets back, Felix hasn't moved. Thank god. He squats down to check to make sure Felix is still breathing. He is. Locus is actually, slightly disappointed in this. He slowly stands up straight and heads to the front of the pelican. It's a mess. Everything is still pretty much intact. Felix did a pretty good job repairing everything that needed to be repaired in that short amount of time. But it just looks like a mess.  
            Locus starts the pelican up. Where to go is the only question now. He can't go back to where they used to be. Siris would turn them in if he saw them. Earth is somewhere they can't go either. They're probably wanted there.  
            He takes off. They'll just find a place. Somewhere no one would look. They'll adopt their real names again. Nobody knows their faces. This should work. Should. With Felix, there's always something that'll go wrong. Felix is going to kill him when he wakes up. He's not looking forward to his anger. He'll get over it eventually. Just going to take time. Maybe he'll be alright with this? They have money set in accounts that no one could find. They'll be fine there. But apartment? Maybe? Would that be best for them?  
            He mindlessly flies through space, trying to think of where he should go. Maybe, if he remembers correctly, there’s this planet not too terribly far where they can stop for fuel. Then they can find somewhere from there. There’s this one planet he remembers from his childhood. Maybe they can go there? His thoughts are interrupted when he hears Felix groan. Time to face the angry child.


	2. Make It Easy On Us Both

           Locus debates on if he should tell Felix the truth, or fabricate a lie. It would be incredibly hard to keep the lie up since the SIM troopers are still alive. They'll be all over the news once they get the rescue they need.  
          He sighs and keeps flying. They'll be docking for fuel soon. Felix can yell at him then. Or hit him. Or kill him. He doesn't know what will happen.  
 "Locs?" Felix sits up. His head hurts. His chest hurts. Something's broken. Probably some ribs. It hurts so much. He sits up anyway. They're on the pelican? Last thing he remembers- "You son of a bitch."  
          Locus grits his teeth. There's the anger. He hears Felix fumble to stand up. Felix leans against the door frame.   
 "Did you fucking-"  
 "Yes. Sit down. We'll be landing soon." Locus tries to stay neutral. Don't get upset.   
 "Landing?" Felix moves closer to Locus, looking out the front. "Where are we?"  
 "Go sit down, Felix. Strap yourself in."  
          Felix listens for now. He's already steaming, but hurting is keeping him from blowing up. He straps himself in.    
          It's a shaky landing, but Locus gets them there. He's pretty good at this. Getting them out of trouble. It's a good thing for them.  
          Locus gets out of the chair the moment he turns off the pelican. Locus helps Felix stand up. "I'm ready for you to yell at me."  
 "I want to beat the shit out of you." Felix pushes away from Locus. "You mother fucker. Why? Why the fuck did you do this?"  
 "Because I'm not going to let you march us to our death. Because I'm not going to let your childish ego get you killed. Because you need to learn to grow the fuck up you fucking incompetent little child. You will fucking listen to me. Do you fucking understand?"   
          Felix nods. He watches Locus slowly head to the the back of the pelican and open the back. He's stunned. Locus has never taken charge like that. Nor has he ever cussed like that.  
 "You staying in here or are you coming with me to get something to eat?" Locus asks before heading out. Felix quickly moves to be right behind Locus.   
          He just wants to kill something. Maybe he'll kill Locus in his sleep? Maybe he'll find someone here to kill? He needs to let out this anger. Gotta do something.  
          They both watch a guy hook up fuel to the pelican before they head in the direction of this type of bar.   
           Locus has memories of this place. His family would always stop here when they went on trips. Memories bring pain, to be honest. It was simpler times. He wasn't a machine back then.  
           Felix has never been here before, but he's heard of it. He remembers this one night, during the Great War, Locus opened up to him about this place and his childhood.   
They get a booth in this bar. Diner? They sell alcohol. We all know Felix will order some of that. Felix groans as he crosses his legs. No, a little too uncomfortable. He brings his left leg up, knee to his chest. Hurts, but it's more comfortable.   
 "You gonna be okay?" Locus asks.  
            Felix doesn't answer. He just looks at the menu. A waiter comes over and begins taking their order. Felix orders the highest grade alcohol possible and a breakfast burrito. A breakfast burrito. Wow. Real food. Something they haven't had in years. Locus orders something that Felix would make fun of him for in different circumstances. An orange juice and meatloaf. Orange juice?! Meatloaf?! Felix has to remember this.  
            They sit in silence. Felix rests his head on his left knee. What he would give to do things to Locus. Both bad things and things that would pleasure him.   
The look on Locus' face when he takes a sip of orange juice. Pure joy in a drink. Felix smiles slightly. He knows if he talks then he'll get angrier. He wants to call Locus out on this, but can't. He could. But it would probably end in him passed out on the floor of the pelican again.  
             Locus enjoys his drink. He hasn't had any orange juice since before he joined the army.  
            Felix enjoys his alcohol. It's been a while since he's had strong alcohol. His eyes widen slightly when he sees the burrito. God it's been forever since he's had a breakfast burrito.   
            Locus stares at his food for a moment. He doesn't deserve to have this, but it's a reminder of home. A home he can never go back to. A home he misses greatly. When he notices Felix is staring, he slowly begins to dig in.   
            Felix finishes before Locus. Doesn't surprise him. Locus is eating very slowly. He assumes he's trying to savor this. This'll probably be the last time they ever eat there.  
 "How are we paying?" Felix manages to ask.  
 "I have money. I came prepared."  
 "Damn. I was hoping for dine and dash."  
 "You're not in any kind of shape to ditch anything."  
          Felix rolls his eyes. He didn't overdue it on the alcohol. Surprisingly. Locus was sure he would have to carry him out.  
          Locus puts down a fifty. "Come on." He gets up. Felix takes one more drink then gets up and follows behind.   
          They get to the pelican and the guy just unhooked the fuel pump. Locus pays the guy then opens up the back. They get in.   
 "You're holding yourself together quite well." Locus closes the back of the pelican.   
Felix glares. "I want to fucking knock you out cold."  
 "Try anything and I'll make sure you have no say in anything."  
          Felix sits down and finishes taking off his armor. He throws the pieces away from him. Locus rolls his eyes and starts the pelican up. Time to go find a home that satisfies the angry child.


	3. You Already Know the Deal

"Landing soon." Locus calls out from the front.

Felix slowly gets up. He lets the knife drop from his lap. The blood on his arms has dried. He slowly shuffles to behind Locus.

"Where?" Felix feels slightly better since he's harmed himself. He'll beat the shit out of Locus when they get somewhere private though.

"We came here for two days after our first mission before the Great War. Do you remember?"

Felix thinks. They... They did come here. It was a fun time full of booze and night clubs. Fun for him. Locus was the one to carry him out of every place and take care of him in the morning.

"Oh. Yeah, that planet. Why here?"

"Thought you might like it. Strap yourself in."

"Alright. Get me somewhere where I can beat the shit out of you." Felix shuffles back to a seat and straps himself in.

Locus lands them pretty smoothly this time. He turns the pelican off and gets up. He looks at Felix.

"Come on. Ditching this shit and going to find us a place to stay. We also need to use our real names or make new ones for public."

"I'm gonna miss the name Felix. Fine. I'll use my real name. You?"

"Real."

"Alright, Sam."

Locus hates hearing his name. It's so foreign. It's not who he is anymore. It's who he's gonna become again though. Someone he has to become.

Locus opens the back. "After you, Isaac."

"Ew." Felix walks out of the pelican. Locus follows behind him. "Can I pick the place?"

"Maybe. I'll give you the top three places I pick."

Felix groans. "Hotel then?"

"Yeah. You can't pick where." Locus forcefully takes Felix's hand. "I'll even let you fuck me anyway you want."

"I'll settle for that. For now," Felix digs his nails into Locus' hand as hard as he can. Locus doesn't pull away.

 

They get to a decent hotel. Not one that Felix would actually like, but he has to accept this. It's the best they can do for now.

Locus gets the room while Felix is clearly getting agitated with everything. Controlling yourself as a child must be very hard.

"Come on Isaac." Locus pulls Felix along.

They get to their room and as soon as the door opens, Felix storms in. Locus rolls his eyes and walks in, making sure the door is locked behind him.

"Tomorrow we'll go get clothes, things, and I'll look for an apartment."

"Whatever, you jackass." Felix starts undressing. "Undress asshole."

"No. Right now, I'm cleaning your wounds." Locus grabs Felix's arm, dragging him into the bathroom.

"I'm not a child." Felix crosses his arms as he jumps onto the sink counter.

"Yes, you are. Thank you for not fighting me on this." He takes one of the washcloths and wets it.

"I'm not. You're the worst. I fucking hate you."

Locus roughly washes off the dried blood on Felix's arms. Felix groans. "If you weren't a child, why did you do this to yourself?"

"Self-destruction because I couldn't take it out on you at the time."

"Again, child. Grow up and get over yourself." Locus rings out the washcloth.

"Fuck you. You done?" Felix hops down. "Now undress already. My knife and I really want to take it out on you."

"I've got a better idea."

"I doubt you do."

Locus picks Felix up and goes over to the bed. He drops Felix down. "Here's what's going to happen," Locus takes one of the pillow cases off of a pillow. "You are going to give me a color," he grabs Felix's hands, tying them together. "And I'm going to fuck you." He places Felix's tied hands above his head. "And you are not allowed to move your hands." Felix looks scared, but clearly turned on. "If you move your hands, we start all over. Do you understand?"

"Yes." Felix licks his lips. "Orange."

"Good," Locus leans down to kiss his cheek. "Now where's your knife?"

Felix looks at Locus. "Back pocket." He’s looking forward to being cut up.

Locus moves down, finishing stripping Felix. He takes the knife out of the back pocket before throwing the clothes aside.

Locus undresses himself. Felix watches, smirking, excited.

Locus gets on top of Felix, getting close to his ear. He whispers, "you can also think of this as payback for manipulating me."

Felix’s eyes widen. He’ll be lucky if he comes out of this alive.

 

When Felix’s hands are untied, he still doesn’t move. Everything hurts, but he’s also happy with the way things turned out. Locus left the room, going into the bathroom. Felix can hear running water. 

“You can move, you know.” 

“It hurts.” Felix loves being cut up, but this was to the extreme. Which he deserved.

“The only bad thing about doing it to you. You’ll complain for days.”

Locus ignores the mumbly reply and picks Felix up. He takes him to the bathroom, setting him in the tub. Locus kneels next to the tub with the washcloth and starts cleaning Felix’s wounds. 

“Why don’t you join me?” Felix asks. He’s groaning with every touch of every wound. He’s going to hurt for a long while most likely. He’s not looking forward to it.

“Because the tub isn’t big enough.”

“Can we get a big tub?” 

Locus doesn’t respond for the longest. “Sure.” Why not get a big tub? They'll be living together for the rest of their lives, unless the other dies.

Locus helps Felix out of the bath when he finishes cleaning the wounds. They head to the second bed since the other one is bloody and gross. Felix is clearly much calmer and doing better. He falls asleep against Locus. One thing he hasn't done since way before Chorus. One thing that will happen more as time goes on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, look what I finally updated.


	4. Pretend That None of This Is Real

Felix moves ever so slightly when Locus gets out of the bed. The loss of his heat source sucks and moving sucks worse. Everything has tried to heal up which means moving opens a few of them. So he just lies still, hearing the shower turn on. He turns enough to see Locus through the crack of the door, since it wasn’t closed all the way. He’s always been in love with the way Locus looks.

Locus steps into the shower, making Felix frown slightly. He wonders if he can get Locus to say yes to him joining the shower, so he waits five minutes before slowly getting up. He gradually makes his way to the bathroom. He opens the door enough for him to get in.

“Sam, can I join you?” Felix sounds exhausted. He slept pretty good last night, but not enough. Plus, he hurts like a motherfucker. He has to put as much of his weight as possible on his left leg because the right leg can’t support him all that well.

“No.” 

“Okay.” Felix leans against the sink counter, trying to keep himself balanced. He’s had worse, of course, but he doesn’t have any way to get medical attention right now.

Locus gets out of the shower and wraps one of the towels around his waist. He wraps his hair up in a towel as well.

“But I will help you stand.” Locus gently puts his hands on Felix’s waist, picking him up, and putting him in the shower. 

Felix can’t help but to groan in pain, but the water feels nice. He’ll take big hands on his waist any day too. He quickly washes himself then turns the water off. Locus helps him out and hands him a towel before leaving the bathroom.

Felix leans against the sink counter, slowly drying himself off. He manages to wrap the towel around his waist before limping out.

“The maid is going to think someone died,” Felix looks at the other bed.

“I'm sure people have died in these beds,” Locus finishes getting dressed. “Do you need help?” 

“No, I think I'm good.” Felix takes one step and almost falls. He sits on the bed in frustration, but he knows he deserves this.

“Sorry, I really did a number on you.” Locus helps Felix stand. “But you wouldn't stop until something was done.”

“Don't be sorry.” 

“Maybe you should just rest. I'll get the things.”

“I can go too,” Felix moves away from Locus to grab his things. He very carefully manages to get dressed. “I'm starving. Let's go.”

Locus sighs and follows behind limping Felix. They head down to the lobby where they serve some breakfast. Not much. Just the usual continental breakfast. Cereals, make your own waffles, bagels, toast, juices, and coffee. Locus makes Felix sit down.

“What would you like?” he asks.

“Waffles and anything sweet,” Felix rubs his face. The bags under his eyes are going to get worse if he doesn't sleep much. Which is what will probably happen. 

Locus sets coffee down in front of him, then goes back over to get a plate full of the little mini muffins. He takes those to the table. The waffle maker goes off, so he gets that as well, setting it in front of Felix with a bottle of syrup. Locus gets himself a bowl of fruit loops. Something he hasn't had in what seems like forever.

Felix devours the waffle and eats most of the mini muffins. He drinks all the coffee before getting up to go make another waffle. Locus was about to get up, but Felix gave him a dirty look making him stay seated.

Once finished, Locus holds out his arm for Felix to take. Surprisingly enough, he actually takes it, using it to help him walk. They walk in the direction that looks like there's a store they can go to. Felix is digging his nails into Locus’ arm the entire time. He's letting him. Even when it starts to bleed.

“I hate shopping,” Felix sighs when they find a decent store. 

“I know you do,” Locus gives Felix a shopping cart to hold onto. “You're limited to 3 shirts, 3 pairs of pants, one pair of shoes, one packet of socks, and however much underwear you want.”

“Cool. I apparently have a limit,” Felix walks off with the cart in the general direction of the clothing.

Locus takes another cart to go get some bakery food because he knows Felix would like it and it's something for them to eat. When happy with his choices, he heads to the clothing section. 

Felix is actually enjoying himself. He already has everything but his shirts. He's holding many of them up to him, then deciding he doesn't like them. It's cute to watch. Says he hates shopping, but then looks like he’s enjoying himself.

“I got these for us,” Locus starts putting the bakery items in Felix's cart.

“Those are mine,” Felix points to the cinnamon rolls.

“For the  _ both  _ of us.”

“Yeah, whatever. Can you hurry up? Standing hurts.” 

“Yeah,” Locus nods and gets everything he needs. He's not nearly as picky as Felix is. He’ll take anything he can get.

“Can we get some alcohol while we’re here?” Felix asks.

“No. You don't need any.” Locus heads over to the shoes, looking till he finds some he likes. 

It's not long before they finish. They check out, Locus paying for it. 

“Who’s money did you use?” Felix asks, carrying his bags of clothing.

“Mine. Don't worry about it. When you stop being a child, you'll get the use of your money back.”

Felix sighs, “Fair enough.”


	5. There's Just Nothing Left To Feel

Felix has been calming down lately. That is, as long as nothing doesn't go against him. 

Example: Locus has been looking through home ads. He has taken in account that Felix just wants a master bedroom with a walk in closet. Sounds reasonable. Locus wants a nice kitchen and maybe a decent yard. Simple enough, right?

Well, Felix found a nice house. One that has 3 bedrooms, 2 and a half bath, small backyard, small front yard, a small kitchen, basement, and a decent size living room. He presents it to Locus and he immediately shoots it down because they don't need that kind of space. Felix goes off on him, resulting in Locus just ignoring him.

This goes back and forth for almost every house presented to the other. They both tend to not like it. Until Felix shows him this one house that he agrees on. They set up an appointment to go see the house.

 

The real estate agent is this really happy like girl. She has a smile on her face the entire time they’re there looking at the house. Locus loves the place. It’s perfect because there is a little work to be done. Felix likes what he asked for. It’s big enough for him. He likes it a lot. Imagining where everything would go, how to arrange it. 

Locus is the one dealing with the lady because, well, it’s his money being used. Yeah, he’ll ask Felix if he’s okay with this place too, but ultimately it’s his choice. Felix hates that that’s how it’s going, but is starting to understand that he’s being a child. Slowly. 

Locus finds Felix standing in the middle of the master bedroom. He walks up to him, only making him jump a bit. 

“Sorry,” Locus mumbles. “Do you like this one?” 

“Yes. Can we have this one?” Felix asks.

“Yeah, we can get this one.” 

Felix smiles. Like genuinely smiles for the first time in a long while. Locus can’t help but to smile back. He hasn’t smiled in a long time either.

“I’m going to go make an offer to her. Then we need to go furniture shopping. I don’t think you want to sleep on the floor.”

“Go make the offer. We’ll at least look for a bed. I don’t know how much I can take before it starts killing me.”

“Fair enough,” Locus kisses Felix’s cheek. “Come down when you’re ready.”

Locus leaves Felix standing there, slightly blushing. He holds his hand to the cheek that was kissed, wondering why the fuck Locus did that. They’ve fucked many times, but never anything “romantic” after. Never kissed before. Never done that. It’s… a new start.

Felix slowly leaves the room, heading down the stairs. It’s a nice three bedroom, two and a half bath, a nice little living room perfect for his games, a nice kitchen for Locus, a little backyard, and a nice small front yard. The basement is cool too. He might try to take that over from Locus. That is, if he’s allowed to. There might be a fight on that.

The owner immediately says yes to the offer, which makes the real estate lady begin the paperwork with both Locus and the owner.

 

Locus called them a cab to take them to the nearest furniture store. Locus pays the cab driver, then they go into the place. Felix instantly feels on edge the moment they step in. Locus notices right away, so when they get farther in the store, he stops Felix, making him face him.

“Something that will help you. Any time you’re feeling anxious or anything like that, take my hand. You can squeeze it as hard as you like.”

Felix nods, taking Locus’ hand and squeezing as tight as he can. They walk over to the area where all the beds are. 

“I’m going to let you pick out the bed and stuff. If you want.” 

Felix nods, “but only if we use my money for it.” 

“We can do that. You know the size of the room, so I trust you won’t have any problems figuring out what sized bed to get?” 

“Can’t go bigger than a queen.”

“Alright.”

They walk in silence. Felix still squeezing tightly on Locus’ hand. He looks at all of them individually. Can't help but to touch all of them. When he gets to the dark oak ones, he lets go of Locus’ hand and sits on the bed.

“This one?” Locus asks.

Felix just nods, sitting criss crossed. Locus tells him to stay there while he goes to get an attendant to order this set with a queen sized bed.

With everything arranged, they head out at Felix's request. He's tired and wound up over nothing. Locus will get him to calm down again. Something that is getting easier to do. Easier to see the signs even when Felix doesn’t know it’s starting to happen. He becomes a bit quieter and holds his arms sometimes. As to shut himself off from the world, but now Felix has his new option of taking Locus’ hand and squeezing. He likes doing that now.

They get back to the motel. Last few nights they'll be there. They were told they can move in by the end of the week or sooner. Felix is looking forward to the bigger shower. Locus is looking forward to cooking again. Maybe, just maybe, they can live a decently normal life. One that Felix can be happy about. One that Locus could get some peace and quiet. One that can last till they both grow old. Just maybe.


	6. Please Release Me From This Hell

They’ve been slowly adding furniture to their house. Some Locus picks out. Some he lets Felix pick out. The kitchen is the only place that is fully stocked. Everywhere else still looks bare in areas. Felix has his Xbox and games. He’s perfectly fine if they don’t get anything else. Locus got himself a recliner chair. Only time Felix sits in it is to sit on Locus’ lap. Felix has a couch to himself.

Today seems a little different. Felix woke up before Locus, showered before him, and even got dressed before. He’s downstairs playing one of his many games when Locus walks down. 

“Do you want something to eat?” Locus calmly asks him. Felix shakes his head. “You need to eat.”

“No, I don’t.” Felix states. He doesn’t take his eyes off his game.

“I’m going to make pancakes and you’re going to eat at least two of them,” Locus heads towards the kitchen.

“Make me.”

“You can guarantee I will.”

“I'd like to see you try.” Felix rolls his eyes. 

When everything is cooked, Locus puts two pancakes on a plate with some syrup. He grabs the plate, a fork, and one of the kitchen table chairs. He takes it to the living room.

Locus takes the controller from Felix. “Listen here motherfucker.” Locus hands him the plate and fork before setting the chair in front of him and sitting down.

“Eat. Or I will take you Xbox back.”

“Empty threat. I paid for it. You can't touch it.” He sets the plate next to him. 

“Wanna bet? Want to wake up one day to find it gone?”

“Touch it and I'll cut off your hands.” 

Locus takes the plate. He starts cutting the pancakes. “I will force feed you if you don't. I'm sure your pride can take over and make you eat? Should I be a train or a plane?”

Felix quickly takes the plate and slowly eats it himself.

“That's what I thought.”

“I can just throw it up after this.”

“Uh, no. You will keep this down.”

“You can't make me.” 

“Oh yeah? Cause I'm pretty sure you said that a minute ago about eating.”

Felix grumbles to himself.

“Tell me what's wrong. You're clearly not okay.” Locus slightly leans in. He's very sincere. Felix could see it in his eyes if he’d look at him.

“Fuck off. We both know you don't give a single fuck about me. Not after the shit I did. I'm pretty sure you’d like to see me dead.” 

“If I wanted you dead, I would've left your ass on Chorus. I care. Don't shut me out.” 

“You have never cared. You’ve always hated me. What's so different now?” Felix sets the half finished food next to him and gets off the couch. He walks away from Locus. 

“You annoy me, yes. But I've never hated you. Not once.” Locus gets up, not sure whether approaching Felix is a good idea or not.

“Bull fucking shit. You should've just left me on Chorus. I would've been better off.”

“I wasn't going to leave my partner behind. I wasn't going to leave you to die!”

“You should've.” Felix visibly takes a deep breath. “I don't deserve to live.” 

“What?” Locus is shocked at what was just said.

Felix turns to look directly at Locus. “I don't deserve to fucking live.”

“Why don't you?”

“You know damn well why.” Felix leaves the living room, heading upstairs.

“You're not leaving my sight,” Locus follows right behind him.

“You think I'm suicidal? That's funny.” Felix closes the bedroom door behind him, locking Locus out. 

“Open the door.” Locus demands.

“In a moment,” Felix goes to the bathroom, throwing up what he just ate. When he's done, he brushes his teeth. He walks to the door and unlocks it. Locus opens it, walking in. 

“I'm fine. Leave me alone.” Felix crawls into bed. He likes their bed.

“I'm not leaving you. I never am. I'm here for you, always.”

“Whatever.” Felix lets himself fall asleep just to avoid eating and talking to Locus.

 

Six chapters and many hours later, Locus notices that Felix is starting to wake up. He’d been sitting there, reading ever since he noticed that Felix truly fell asleep and wasn’t faking it. 

Felix barely opens his eyes to see Locus sitting there. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He gently pokes Locus.

“Yes?” Locus puts his book down.

“Hold me,” Felix barely gets the words out.

Locus listens to the request. He carefully lays down on his side, bringing Felix close to him. Felix contently snuggles up to Locus. He likes the heat the most. 

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Locus gently moves Felix’s hair out of his face.

“For earlier.” 

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

“I don’t want to die.” Felix opens his eyes to look at Locus. Part of him is scared. Part of him wants control back. Part of him hates everything.

“I won’t let you, but you’re going to have to eat.”

“I know,” Felix rests his head against Locus’ chest. “I’ve almost died from not eating before. I don’t want to go through that again.” 

“Then listen to me when I tell you to eat and no throwing up.”

“I- I’ll try.” Felix runs his hand over Locus’ chest. “I’m hungry.” 

“Come on. I’ll make you something to eat and then we can do something together.” 

_ Together.  _ The word lingers in Felix’s mind. 


	7. I'm Sorry For The Demon I've Become

Locus has just sat up, stretching, as Felix wakes up, gasping for air. He immediately turns, putting his hand on Felix's cheek.

“Hey, it's okay,” he whispers, “you're safe.”

“What’s safe?” Felix looks into Locus’ eyes, scared like he’s still not there.

“You are. You’re safe here with me. Do you know where you are?”

Felix removes Locus’ hand and looks around the room, not sure about anything. “No, where am I?”

“You’re home. We share a home now. Do you remember my name?” 

Felix takes a deep breath, looking back at Locus. “You’re… you’re Sam.”

Locus smiles slightly, “That’s right. Do you remember your name?” 

“My name’s Isaac,” he didn’t even hesitate. 

“Yes, very good.” 

“What happened?” Felix looks down at Locus’ hand that he didn't realize he was still holding. 

“You had a nightmare that fucked with your mind a little, making you forget what was real for a moment. I used to get them a lot. Usually I had to pull myself out of them.” Locus slowly removes his hand away from Felix and gets up off the bed. 

“I've never had that happen before…” Felix sighs to himself.

“Shows you're human,” Locus winks a little. Felix just glares at him. He knows what he's jabbing at. 

Felix swings his feet over the edge, getting up. “Can I shower with you just this once?”

Locus normally says no because he really likes the alone time, but one look at Felix… The way there's still leftover fear in his eyes. He's holding his arms closing himself off from the world. “Just this once.”

Felix nods and heads to the bathroom, followed by Locus. 

Locus turns on the shower while Felix undresses the bottom half of himself. He leans against the sink, for a moment. Locus gently pulls on Felix's arm to get him to step in and he does. Letting the water run all down his front side. Locus gets in behind him and pulls the curtain shut.

“I see you've been picking at some of your healing wounds.” Locus noticed the moment Felix moved. All the others have healed completely and left behind little to no scarring. But the ones on his inner thighs still look decently fresh.

“I can't seem to leave them alone. I pick at them when you're not around.”

“I think you're also using something to keep them open because even with picking, they shouldn't be that new looking.”

“Can we not?” 

“Of course.” Locus grabs the shampoo bottle, squirting some onto his hand. He makes Felix tilt his head back slightly so he can wash it. He takes his time massaging Felix's head. Felix closes his eyes, very much enjoying this. 

“Rinse,” Locus takes his hands away. Felix whines slightly and does as he's told. He turns Felix around when he's done. He rinses off his hands before putting his foot on the edge of the tub. “Gimme your leg.” 

“Which one?”

“I'll  need both of them eventually.”

Felix sighs, holding onto Locus as he lifts his left leg to rest on top of Locus’ leg.

“These should be healed more even if it was just picked at.” Locus grabs the body wash bottle, pouring a little dot on his hand. He tries to be careful as he washes the wounds, but it stings, making Felix groan in pain. “I'm surprised you were able to keep this from me for so long.”

“Well, we haven't had sex since that night. And we don't usually shower together. Oh and you're usually out of the room when I get dressed.” Felix crosses his arms, but immediately regrets it when Locus is a little rough. He has to hold onto him.

“Other leg.” Locus requests. Felix follows the order. He mumbles under his breath about how much it hurts.

“Are you done yet?”

“Yes. Get out and don't get dressed yet.”

“Can I wash your hair?” Felix asks.

“No.”

“Fine.” Felix gets out and dries himself off. He goes to lay on the bed. Locus washes his hair and body before getting out. 

He grabs two ace bandages from the sink cabinet before going into the bedroom. He walks up to Felix and puts the second ace bandage next to him.

“If you pick at these, I will know and you won't be allowed to leave my sight till they heal. Do you understand?” Locus wraps up each thigh to where Felix can't pick at them without taking the bandages off.

“Yes,” Felix groans.

“I will be checking every night.”

“Overbearing motherfucker.”

“Reckless child that can't take care of himself. Get dressed.” Locus goes over to the dresser and pulls out his things from his side of the dresser.

“I’m not a child,” Felix pouts, slowly getting up. 

“Yes you are. If you weren’t, I wouldn’t have to take care of you like a damn child.” Locus isn’t happy with him. Aaaand he kinda has his own problems right now that he’s trying not to share with Felix because he really doesn’t want him knowing. He’s done a very good job of hiding it. Felix doesn’t suspect a thing. 

“Sorry no one told you, you didn’t have to fucking take care of me. I can do this on my own.” 

“I tried letting you do some things on your own and you failed miserably. You don’t know how to take care of yourself anymore.”

“Fuck you. I do just fine on my own. You know what,” Felix finishes getting dressed. “Fuck this. I’m leaving.”

“You’ll be back in less than a day.” 

“Fuck. You.”


	8. You Should Be Sorry For The Angel You Are Not

See, Locus was right. Felix couldn’t even make it a day being away from him. He started pulling off the ace bandages when he found this back alley way. He picked at the wounds until they started bleeding. He felt bad for that, so he put the ace bandages back on before letting the wounds dry up. 

He refused to eat too. Wouldn’t find anything and try since Locus wouldn’t let him have any kind of access to his money. He wasn’t going to go digging around for food. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to beg for money. It’s almost like Locus was setting him up to fail. But at the same time, Felix doesn’t feel well at all. He doesn’t feel like himself.

So, when Locus comes home to find Felix asleep on the couch, it doesn’t surprise him one bit. He grabs one of the extra blankets from the hallway closet. He lays it on Felix then goes into the kitchen to start making dinner. 

Felix wakes up the moment he smells meat being cooked. It’s probably burgers because that’s what they originally were going to have that night. He keeps his eyes closed as he just listens to everything. 

Locus walks over with a plate of a burger and fries. Just the way Felix likes it too. He somehow remembers how Felix likes it. 

“Hey,” Locus gently puts his hand on Felix’s shoulder. “I have food for you.”

Felix groans and sits up. He repositions the blanket to cover his legs then takes the plate from Locus. 

“Thanks,” he mumbles.

“You’re welcome.” Locus goes back into the kitchen.

Felix devours the burger and friends without realizing he’s done so until he’s done. He stares at the empty plate for a second, contemplating throwing up, but decides against it. Locus should be proud of that decision. He sets the plate down on the couch before getting up. He then wraps the blanket around him. He takes the plate to the kitchen to find Locus popping some kind of pill. 

“What did you just take?” Felix sets the plate in the sink. 

“Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing bad.” 

“Then why won’t you tell me what it is? I’m not five.” 

“It’s a xanax. Don’t worry about it.” 

“Where have I heard of those before?” Felix notices Locus take in a deep breath and slowly let it out. He takes the blanket off of him and puts it around Locus.

“It’s anti-anxiety. I used to take it a lot.” 

“I’m sorry I’m of no help,” Felix frowns. “I’m gonna get out of your hair and go take a bath and try not to throw up at the same time.” 

Locus takes the blanket off himself and folds it. He puts it back in the hallway closet while Felix just heads upstairs to their bathroom. Locus heads upstairs as well. He has to find a place to put his xanax. He just decides to put it above the closet door frame for now. 

Locus walks into the bathroom to find the tub filling up and Felix sitting on the sink counter, slowly taking off the ace bandages. See, he was stupid enough to put them back on when the wounds were still bleeding. Because they’re now sticking to the wounds and it’s hurting him to take them off.

He walks over to him and slowly starts doing it for him. If he doesn’t then he’ll be there all night trying to take them off. He sets the bandages in the sink.

“Thanks.” Felix winces as he gets off the sink counter. “Are you mad at me?” 

“No, why would I be?” 

“Because,” Felix turns off the water and slowly gets into the tub. “I’m a terrible person and hurt you and constantly defy you.” 

“Yes, a part of me hates you. That same part is telling me to never trust you again. Then another part of me understands and doesn’t really care about what happened. That only the now matters. Keeping us safe.” 

“I fucked everything up. I fucked you up worse than you already were. Just because I was scared you’d turn against me. I’m so sorry.” Felix can’t even look in the direction of Locus. “I’m sorry.”

Locus kneels next to the tub. “Look at me,” he makes Felix look at him. “You don’t have to be sorry. It was survival to you.”

“I have to be sorry.” Felix pushes Locus away slightly. “I’m sorry and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.” 

“Get better for me. That can help it. Talk to me when you’re not okay. I can help you and it’ll help me.”

“I can try.” 

Locus leans over and kisses Felix’s cheek. “I love you.”

“I-” Felix looks at Locus, “I can’t say it back. I don’t know what love is or if I feel it. But I do know I feel  _ something  _ towards you.”

“That’s okay. I’m not looking for you to say it back. I just want you to know.”

“You shouldn’t love me. I’m nothing but a demon.” 

“I’m no angel either.”

Felix closes his eyes as a few tears fall. He feels Locus wipe them away. He hates that he’s become painfully aware of who he was. Of what he’s done. He hates that he did it. Hates that no one stopped him. 

“Try not to beat yourself up over it. It’s time to move on. Things will be okay from here on out. I promise you that.”


	9. Could You Forgive Me if I Told You That I Cared?

Felix wakes up to being pulled closer to Locus. He's noticed this only happens when Locus starts having a nightmare he tries to keep from him, so Felix allows himself to be pulled closer. He moves up enough, so he can gently caress Locus’ cheek.

“Hey, I'm right here,” he whispers. “I'm not going anywhere. Sammy, wake up.”

Locus groans in acknowledgement, which makes Felix smile softly. 

“Good morning to you too, big guy.”

“Mornin’,” Locus takes the hand on his cheek and kisses it. 

“What was the dream about?” Felix turns to lay on his stomach.

“Don't worry about it. S’all good.” 

“You lie,” Felix frowns. “Do you not trust me to tell me about it?”

“I do trust you. You have other things to worry about. I'll be fine.” 

“I’m just going to go shower,” Felix rolls himself off the bed, landing on his feet. He goes into the bathroom. He closes the door behind him.

Locus sighs and gets out of bed. He goes downstairs to make breakfast. Well, try to because he ends up standing there, trying to breathe calmly. His breathing isn’t helping him. He scrambles for his hidden xanax. He takes one and puts the rest on the counter. He tries breathing again. 

“You’re really not okay are you?” Felix crosses his arms. 

“I’m fine,” Locus turns his back on him.

“No, I saw you just now. You were panicking and I don’t know why. Why won’t you come to me? Why are you hiding this? Is it because I’m terrible? Because I can’t really help you? I can at least remind you what’s real.” 

“You have yourself to worry about. I can deal with this on my own.” 

“No, you can’t because you’re taking those fucking pills again. You can’t be okay with doing this on your own.”

“I am okay.” Locus turns to face Felix. “Drop it, Isaac. I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Felix sighs and walks into the living room. He turns on the tv, the xbox, and grabs his controller. He sits on the couch, bringing his knees to his chest. He rests his head on his knees.

Locus brings out a plate of eggs and toast to Felix. He sets it next to him. Felix doesn’t move until Locus walks away. That’s when he sets the controller down next to him and grabs the plate. He eats fast enough to only die once from being afk. He sets the plate down next to him and continues his game.

Locus comes over to take the plate. Before he walks away, he stops. 

“Do… Do you want to go to the store with me? I have to go today.”

“No,” Felix doesn't even look away from his game. He wants to get out of the house, but he's too annoyed with Locus.

“Oh, okay.” Locus begins to turn.

“Don't fucking forget my apple juice or oreos or I won't eat anything till you get those.”

“I'll remember.” Locus takes the plate to the kitchen then heads upstairs to get dressed.

When Locus comes back downstairs, ready to leave, he asks one last time, “You sure you don't want to go?”

“I'm sure.”

“Please stay in the house while I'm gone.”

“Whatever.”

Locus sighs and heads out. Felix waits till he knows for sure that Locus is gone before going to get his shoes. He puts on a jacket so he doesn't have to put on an actual shirt. It's still a little too chilly to go out in just a tank and sweats. 

Felix heads out for a walk. Just a walk. He'll be back before Locus gets back. He just wants to explore a little without the control of Locus. 

He strolls down the sidewalk, enjoying the sun on his face. It's been too long since he's been able to just relax and go on a walk. He hadn't realized there was an elementary school near their house. The fence comes up to the sidewalk and some classes are out for recess.

“You're scary.” 

“Huh what?” Felix looks around to see a kid on the other side of the fence walking with him. “How am I scary?”

“Because you're tall.” the child starts jumping along.

“You'll grow tall one day too.”

“Mama says I'm not allowed to.”

Felix chuckles to himself. “Your mama doesn't want you growing up.”

“Ew. I don't wanna grow up! Are you a grown up?”

“Sometimes.” At least he’s honest about it.

“You mean I never have to grow up?!” the kid seems excited.

“You can stay a child your entire life if you want to! Anything is possible little one. Now you should go play. Your teachers are looking over here.”

“Thank you scary stranger!” the kid skips away saying “I'm never growing up.” 

“I'm not scary…” Felix walks past the school and into another neighborhood.

It doesn’t take long for Felix to decide to turn around to head back home. He enjoyed the encounter with the kid and has liked the warmth coming from the sun. He makes it back to the house with just enough time to put his shoes back, take off his jacket, and sit on the couch with COD open like he hadn’t moved the entire time.

“Isaac, I’m home.” Locus calls once he steps inside. He takes the groceries into the kitchen. Felix gets up and heads that way. He stands there, looking at everything Locus is laying out on the counter. It’s when the juice is placed in his direction. 

Felix does this small, tiny, gasp followed by whispering, “juice!” He takes it back to the couch with him while Locus continues putting everything away.

When everything is put away, Locus goes to sit next to Felix with a bag of chips to snack on. Naturally, Felix occasionally reaches over to steal some of the chips. It’s not until Locus sets the bag down that Felix notices something. 

“You ever going to tell me what’s wrong?” he asks, taking a sip of his juice between deaths.

“I don’t know.” 

“Can I at least know why you won’t?” 

Locus hesitates before saying, “It’s because of you.”


	10. I Apologize For The Cruel Things That I Did

Ever since Locus told Felix that it’s pretty much just his fault, Felix has become a little distant. He obeys better than before. No arguments unless he really wants something. It’s not often, but still happens. He doesn’t speak nearly as much as he used to. He figures that if he shuts up, then maybe that can help Locus more than if he says anything. Which is partially true. He’s seen a slight improvement in Locus since doing this.

Then there are the nights Felix falls asleep on the couch and is never moved to the bed. He’s thankful for that in a way he can just wake up and turn on his xbox. He’s found that games are good for his mind. Keeps him from digging knives into his arms. Walks seem to help as well, but he can only do those when Locus is out of the house. Which isn’t all that often. It’s only a couple times a month. When they need groceries.

Most days, Locus won’t say anything to Felix except telling him to eat when he’s given a plate. Even when Felix doesn’t want to eat, he does. He doesn’t want to upset Locus. Not right now at least. It would be counterproductive to upset him. He’s trying his best, but it’s never enough. Even Felix knows that.

Tonight, Felix waited until Locus was in bed and hopefully asleep. He gets off the couch and grabs all the blankets from the hallway closet, laying them on top of each other. Once they’re stacked, he puts all of them around his shoulders. He tries to head outside as quiet as possible, so he doesn’t alarm Locus. He sits against one of the poles that line the steps on the front porch, making sure all of him is covered by the blankets. 

After some time, he lays down. The skies are clear, but he can barely see any stars out. He can’t remember the last time he stopped to really look up at the sky. To stop and ponder his existence. 

His face is getting a little cold, but that doesn’t matter. He can just go take a shower after this. Or really just faceplant against Locus. If he’ll let him that is. Considering most the time he gets pushed away, he doubts it.

He closes his eyes, listening to the sounds of bugs, distant cars, and the humming of electricity flowing through the power lines. It doesn’t take him long to begin to fall asleep. He’s been really tired lately. Probably from lack of exercise. He’s losing his muscle mass. It saddens him, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to do anything to get it back. Neither does Locus. He’s noticed. 

He doesn’t even hear Locus open the door or walk onto the porch.

“Isaac,” Locus whispers, touching his arm gently. Felix jumps up, moving to where his back is against the railing. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

When Felix realizes it’s just Locus, he relaxes and fixes the blankets to be around him better. “It’s okay. I shouldn’t be out here anyways. Is that why you came out?” 

“No, actually.” Locus sits across from him. “I want you next to me in bed.” 

“Why?” Felix asks. He’s confused. “You do better on your own when there’s no one to tell you anything.” 

“I still love you, you know. Yeah, everything that happened on Chorus and way before that fucked me over, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still care for you.” 

“Why exactly do you care?” he brings his knees to his chest.

“I don’t know.” 

Felix looks off in the distance. He can’t even begin to understand why Locus still likes him. After everything he’s done. And he knows what he’s done. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“What?” Locus didn’t expect to hear that from Felix.

“I’m sorry for everything that was my fault. Please know that.”

“Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine. I’m just sorry.” he looks Locus in the eyes. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“I know.” 

Felix nods and gets up. He heads inside without another word. He feels like he might cry if he says anything else. He hopes Locus believes him when he says he’s sorry because he actually means it. If he doesn’t believe him, he understands that as well. It’s not like he can do anything about it. It’s his fault in the first place. Ha, it’s always his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter, but it felt right to end it like that. Onto the next chapter. Make sure to bring your tissues with you.


	11. But I Don't Regret One Single Word I Said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a suicide attempt in this chapter. Proceed with caution. It's at the end.

Felix has been feeling better lately. He doesn’t really know why. He has energy to do things. He actually goes out with Locus when he asks. He does what he’s told without arguing. Even Locus has noticed that he’s smiling more. He’s dealing with everything just fine. When something gets too much, he tells Locus and accepts the help.

The only thing he doesn’t tell Locus is that he’s still very much suicidal. He does his best to hide that from Locus. Doesn’t want to burden him with that fact. So one day when it’s time to go to the store, he makes sure he wears his jacket. It’s warmer, but he’s cold. That’s what he told Locus at least.

“Sam? Can I get some brownies?” 

“How about we get some brownie batters and you can help me make them?” 

Felix groans. “Better if you just get them already made.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Locus holds out his hand. Felix takes it. 

“Fine, but I want to be able to eat most of them.”

“Fair enough.” 

They walk into the grocery store and Felix immediately wants to let go of Locus’s hand to go get anything and everything he wants. Locus grips slightly tighter on Felix’s hand to remind him that he can’t go anywhere.

“We need to get juice too.” Felix grabs a plate of cookies and puts them in the cart the moment they pass by the bakery.

“Next time we come to the store and if you’re still okay, then you can start getting some alcohol.”

“That’s exciting,” Felix isn’t exciting. “Though, I have really missed getting drunk.” 

“Do you even want alcohol?” 

“Not really to be honest. You kinda snuffed that one. Thanks for that.”

“You’re welcome.”

Felix keeps randomly putting things into the cart. Locus takes them out when he sees Felix isn’t looking. He lets go of Felix’s hand as long as he stays close. Which he does, but he’s not paying attention apparently. He bumps into this woman in the cereal aisle. 

“Oh, sorry.” Felix puts his hand in his pocket after holding her still so she doesn’t fall. “Clumsy me. I should be more careful.”

“It’s okay young man.” and just like that she goes about her merry way.

Felix does the same. He’s proud that he’s still got it. He keeps his hands in his pockets until they get to the juice aisle. He puts three different juices into the carts. After he’s gotten everything he cares for, this trip is boring. He wants to go home.

It doesn’t take them long to finish getting everything. Successful day at the grocery store. While Locus puts everything away, Felix goes upstairs. Said he needed to go to the bathroom. He does go in there. He pulls out the wallet he stole. That’s right, he stole that lady’s wallet. He pockets the cash and hides the wallet above the sink cabinet. He heads downstairs with cash in pocket. 

See, he doesn’t know when he’s going out. All he knows is that he’s going to eventually. Probably should go get more cash, but this may be just enough. Maybe. He doesn’t really know. For now, he has to stay here and think things though. Yeah, that’s what he has to do. Think for once. 

“Would you like to do something?” Locus asks when he notices Felix just hovering around. 

“Yeah, will you come play some Mario Kart with me?” 

“I’m going to make dinner first. Then we can.”

“Okay,” Felix goes into the living room.

 

Felix sneaks out of bed when he knows for sure that Locus is asleep. He grabs what little money Locus has from the grocery trip today. He heads downstairs as quietly as possible. Taking his jacket, he heads outside. It’s been forever since he’s used a dealer, but he still knows how everything works. (Unlike the writer. Oh look, fourth wall break).

Felix gets exactly what he wants, heading back home. It’s exciting. He doesn’t know how he’ll hide them from Locus for long. Not like he’ll keep them for long. He gets home without a problem. He decides to hide it with the stolen wallet for now. He strips into what he was wearing before getting into bed again.

 

He wakes up before Locus does. Not a shocker. He was having terrible dreams. He slinks to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He stares at himself in the mirror. He grabs them from above the sink cabinet. Setting the bottle on the counter. He’s never really thought of doing this before, but he’s in pain. And painkillers are to help that. Hopefully.

Here goes nothing. One pill, two pills, there goes the full bottle. Two Felix’s, one Isaac, no voices. The door opens. He looks to see Locus there. Smiles even. He drops the bottle the moment Locus sees what’s happened. That’s when he falls to the ground.

With Locus’s fast reflexes, he gets Felix to throw up. Then he tries to get him to take some active charcoal. After a little, Locus carries Felix to bed. It might take a while for Felix to come around. If he does. Let’s pray he does.


	12. Could You Forgive me if I Told You That I Cared

The dreams, the never ending dreams of torture and death. Is this hell? Where he constantly has to watch himself die or watch Locus kill him. He wants it to end. It’s worse than the voices. Worse than Locus pretending things are alright. Worse than life. You’d think there would be some philosophical answer given to him that he’d remember when he wakes up, but that’s not the case. It was never the case.

Felix wakes up on his side of the bed. Throat dry, head hurts. Locus walks into the room to see him awake. Felix notices the visible sigh of relief coming from him. Locus walks over to Felix and hands him the glass of water. 

“How are you feeling?” Locus finally asks.

Felix moves to sit up more. “Tired mostly. Disappointed maybe?” He can’t even make himself look at Locus. He’s failed him. “Sorry about everything.”

“Don't be sorry about this. I should've seen the signs, but you didn't show any.” Locus sits next to him on the bed. 

“What do you mean?” Felix is confused. He looks towards Locus’s body, but not his face.

“Well,” he sighs, “I put an antidepressant in your breakfast every day for awhile now. We were lucky this one actually worked and that I guessed the right dosage. It gave you the energy you needed to go and get everything you needed to attempt. This is my fault. I don't think you would've tried if I hadn't.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it. I probably should’ve told you, but even I didn’t know what I was feeling. I just acted like nothing was wrong.” Felix takes a moment to process what was being said by Locus. “Can you hold me?” 

Locus moves next to Felix. Felix moves into his arms, curling up into a ball. They stay like that for the longest. Locus gently rubbing Felix’s back. Felix has his eyes closed. 

“I love you,” Locus kisses the top of Felix’s head.

“I love you too,” Felix snuggles closer.

“That’s the first time you’ve said it.” 

“I mean it,” Felix looks up at him. “I’m sorry and I thank you.” 

“It’s okay,” Locus leans down enough to kiss Felix. 

Felix is the first to pull away, actually. He takes a moment to gather himself before getting out of bed. 

“Where you going?” Locus asks, getting up as well.

“Hungry.” Felix heads downstairs. Followed by Locus.

 

Felix sits up on the counter. He watches Locus makes some eggs and toast. He doesn’t want to make anything too heavy for Felix’s stomach. 

“Am I getting anymore antidepressants?” Felix asks.

“No, not until I get a response from- just no.” 

“Response from what?” 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

Felix hops off the counter, moving in front of Locus. “What are you hiding from me?”

“Nothing. Leave it alone.” 

“Quit hiding shit from me.”

Locus sighs. “I’ve been talking to Mason for months now through letters. It takes a little less than week for the letter to get back and forth.”

“What?” Felix looks at him in disbelief. 

“I didn’t think you’d like me doing that, so I didn’t tell you. Don’t be mad at me.”

“What else are you hiding from me? Cause today seems to be the day I find everything out.” 

“There’s nothing else to hide.” 

“Yeah, whatever. I’m not hungry anymore.” Felix turns on his heels and heads upstairs.

Felix shuts the door behind him. He goes to the window to sit on the ledge there. He knows Locus is going to come up with food after him. He’s trying to gather his thoughts. If he’s talking to Mason, then he should just leave. That’s a good idea, but Locus would never just leave him. Not after that stunt he just pulled. 

Right on time, Locus slowly opens the door with the plate of food. He walks over to Felix, holding the plate out. 

“At least eat something, please?” 

Felix sighs, “Okay.” He takes the plate and eats everything in silence. 

“Thank you,” Locus takes the empty plate from him. He starts to head out. 

“I have a question that’s been bugging me for months now.” He waits till Locus turns to look at him before asking, “Why did you save me? On Chorus. Why didn’t you just let me march to my death?” 

“Because we were partners. I- I couldn’t just let you do that. We’re still partners, you know. I won’t let you die.” 

Felix snorts. “Sorry, did you just say we’re still partners? Because we haven’t been partners since we got off that god forsaken planet.”

Locus pauses for a moment before saying, “I need you.” 

“See, that’s the thing. You don’t. You’re still getting over the shit I did and you’re still clinging to me because of it. You don’t need me. You need to get away from me.” 

“I can’t just leave you! Not after what happened.” 

“You can just leave. I’m not your responsibility. Take care of yourself for once. You said you’ve been talking to Mason, well then go to him. Let him help you through this all.” 

“I can’t. No- I. I don’t know who I am without you.” 

“I’m so sorry for that, but please. Pack your things and leave. This is for the better. Just this one time. Don’t fight me, Sam.” 

“What about you?” 

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself. Now, please. Do as I say. Leave your key on the way out. And never come back.” Felix walks over to him, taking the plate from his hands. 

Felix stays in the kitchen for what seems like an eternity. He doesn’t want to see Locus leave. He doesn’t want him to leave, but it’s for the best. It’ll help him. It won’t fix him, but staying there won’t make him better either.

So much for not wanting to see Locus leave. After a while, he comes into the kitchen. He sets the key down on the counter next to Felix. He, also, sets down a card for the bank. It’s the account for Felix’s money. Everything put into one account. 

“I don’t want to go,” Locus whispers.

“You do, though. There has to be a part of you screaming to leave. You can’t live with me and expect to get better. Living with an abuser doesn’t work like that. Not when you question every single word. Please, leave. For your sake.” 

Locus doesn’t say another word. He slowly nods and turns away. Felix is left standing there, alone. He hears the door shut. He’s alone. The tears begin to fall. He wishes he never hurt Locus, but he can’t take it back. He never can.


	13. Would You Be Sorry If I Swore That I'd Be There

Felix has taken everything off the bed. He washed it all before he made a little fort like area with the couch. He refuses to sleep in the bed. It smells too much like Locus. Then it’ll remind him how much he misses him. How much he wishes he didn’t get him to leave. 

He’s gotten enough microwavable foods for a couple of weeks before he’s going to be forced to go to the store. Ever since Locus has left, he’s taken decent care of himself. The more he thinks about it, the more he did everything to make Locus leave, or to take his life to leave him. He didn’t realize this at first. Not until he started thinking more about it.

Since Felix doesn’t have to work, he spends his nights playing on his Xbox and sleeps during the day. He’s completely messed up his internal clock. So, when he hears something come in the letter slot in the door, he groans and sits up mad. Something woke him up. He shouldn’t even be getting any mail.

Felix slowly crawls out of his fort and shuffles his way over to the door. He stares at the little envelope for a moment before picking it up. He looks at the return address. 

“Motherfucker,” he heads into his fort. 

He sits against the couch, staring at Mason’s name. Why the fuck would he be sending a letter to him?

“Probably going to tell me how shit things are.” 

Felix sighs and turns it over. He hesitates a moment more before opening it up and pulling out the letter. He unfolds it.

_ Dear Isaac, _

_ I understand you probably don’t want to hear from me, but thank you for sending Sam our way. I’ve been trying to tell him to leave since he first contacted me.  _

_ Part of me just hates you. I haven’t told Megan, but Sam being here will mean I have to tell her. She won’t be happy either.  _

_ Another part of me wishes you’d die. He did not deserve the shit you did to him. From what he’s told me, you know this already.  _

_ The last part of me is conflicted because I still see you as my friend. Even with the falling out we had before you two went off. This part of me is going to give you my number and Megan’s as a just in case. We’re here for you. Even though we’re not all that happy with you. _

_ ~Mason. _

Felix rolls his eyes and sets the letter aside. He doesn’t really know what to do with this letter. He doesn’t care what they think. He got Locus to them. That’s all that matters. Yeah, he’s more lonely. No one to tell him how awesome he is. No one to talk to. No one to do shit for him. He has to do his own laundry and grocery shopping. But Locus is safe and can heal.

He lays down, curling in on himself. He’d like to be with Locus and have everything be okay, but it doesn’t work that way. He does miss him. He just closes his eyes and tries to think of something else. Maybe fall back to sleep. 

Half an hour later, it doesn’t work. He sits up and grabs the letter. He reaches for his datapad and headphones, putting them on. He types in the number for Mason, not pressing dial yet. He hesitates. Probably shouldn’t call him. He’ll just get yelled at. 

He presses the dial button, immediately regretting it. 

“Hello?” Mason picks up, just audio at first until he realizes it’s video call and switches. “Ahhh I see you finally got the letter.” 

Felix just waves at him with a slight smile.

“You okay?” 

Felix shrugs, his smile disappearing.

“Are you going to speak?” 

He shakes his head, then climbs out of his fort. He heads to the whiteboard just outside the kitchen. He turns the camera to face the board and begins to write. 

_ I don’t know why I called. I don’t know how I feel. I hate this feeling. I feel weak. I - _ he erases the “I” -  _ Sorry for everything Mase. _

“I honestly don’t know what to say. I didn’t expect you to actually call.”

Felix erases everything.  _ I wasn’t going to. Something made me and I don’t know what. _

“Isaac, just talk please? Instead of this writing bullshit.” 

He erases everything and turns the camera back to facing him. He glares. “I really rather not.” 

“I don’t want to read, so you’re going to talk. How are you doing on your own?” 

“Not bad actually. Hardest part is keeping the eating disorder in check, but I have my stupid frozen meals I can make. Oh and I go for a walk every morning before I go to bed. So I do get out a little.” 

“Seems like you’re doing good. You sleep during the day?” 

“Yeah. Unless I need to go out and get groceries.”

“Well, at least you’re fine.” 

“Not like you actually care.” Felix sighs and heads back to his fort. 

“I do though.”

“Whatever you say, cause your letter sure says different.”

“Isaac.” 

“Goodbye Mase. Take good care of my Sammy.” He hangs up before Mason can say anything back. Not only was that awkward, he gained nothing from it.

Felix puts the datapad and headphones away. He’s awake now. No sense in going back to sleep. He should’ve just left it be. He doesn’t know how to think right now. Mindlessly playing some games should help. Then he’ll be able to think clearly about what just happened and how he feels about Locus. 

Maybe he should get a pet. Maybe he should go out more and find people to be friends with. Put on the charm. No. Don’t do that. That could lead to bad things. He doesn’t really want to hurt people anymore. Maybe it’s best to just get a pet and leave people alone. Maybe.


	14. What Do You Mean I Can't Talk To Him

Locus has fallen into this routine with the Wu’s. It's not a bad routine. Wake up, shower, help with breakfast, take his medication, talk with Megan before she goes to work, spend the rest the day with Mason, helping with anything he needs, helping make dinner, and either read or watch a movie with the two before bed. He has something constant in his life. Something that hasn't been all too constant since their plan got out thanks to Felix.

Felix….

This morning, Locus stands in the shower, wondering about how Felix is doing. Wondering if he's okay. If he needs him. 

He loses track of time. The water has gone cold and he didn't even notice. It took Mason putting a hand on his shoulder to be brought out of his thoughts.

“You okay?” Mason asks as Locus turns off the water. 

“I'm fine,” Locus steps out of the shower and grabs one of the towels to dry off with and another to put his hair in.

“You haven't zoned out like that in a couple of days. You sure?”

“I'm okay. I just started wondering about how he's doing. Fell down the rabbit hole of questions, I guess.”

“I'll tell Meg. You get dressed and come have breakfast.”

Locus nods. Mason leaves the bathroom. Locus doesn't understand why he zoned out. He barely thought of him. Barely remembered anything. Does that mean today is going to suck? He sighs and heads into the bedroom to find something to wear for the day.

They took him in easily. He thought there would be more of a fuss, but there wasn't any at all. Megan took on the role of giving him the right medication he needs and being his therapist. They figured he couldn't truly tell anyone about what happened and he trusts them more than some stranger. 

They all sleep together. Mostly to keep an eye on him. The first week was brutal. No one got much sleep. Locus kept waking up from nightmares or just couldn't sleep. One of them would stay up with him or both would wake up and help him know it was only a nightmare. He's started to calm down, but some days are much worse than others. They tell him to not get discouraged by these worse days. It’s all apart of healing.

He puts on some sweats and a t-shirt. He heads back into the bathroom, taking off the towel for his hair. He picks out all the tangles before pulling it back into a braid. When finished, he slowly makes his way to the kitchen.

“Morning Sam,” Megan smiles. “Take a seat, breakfast is ready.”

He does as he's told, sitting in the spot they assigned as his. She brings over a plate full of french toast, eggs, and sausage links. 

“Mmm, sorry I didn't help,” Locus puts the napkin on his lap.

“Don't worry about it. I managed. Mase cooked the eggs if they seem awful,” she walks back to the kitchen to get her food.

“Hey! I can cook as good as you two!” Mason sets down the syrup and sits across from him. 

“No, you can’t hun,” Megan sits down at the head of the table with her plate. Mason glares at her for a second before digging into his breakfast. “So, I was told you spaced out. Wanna talk about it?” Megan asks.

Locus finishes his bite before saying anything. “I just got caught up in wondering how he’s doing, s’all.” 

“You shouldn’t worry about that,” Mason speaks up. “He’s fine anyways. Well, managing as much as he can.” 

“How do you know?” Locus takes a sip of his milk.

“Because I talked to him last week sometime.” 

“You what?” Megan and Locus say at the same time, looking at him.

“I sent him a letter with our number in it and he actually called. Not much was said, but he’s doing okay from the looks of it.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Megan shakes her head.

Locus looks down at his food. Waiting for him to finish explaining and her telling him he should’ve told her because apparently she wants to talk to Felix too. Locus does his best to not zone out. Instead he takes another bite of his food.

“Sam?” he hadn’t noticed that Mason had looked his way. “You look like you want to say something.” 

Locus hesitates, “Can I-” they’ll most likely say no. “Can I talk to him?” 

“Absolutely not,” Megan answers.

“Why?” Locus pushes his plate away. He’s not hungry.

“You know why.”

“Just because I  _ know  _ why doesn’t mean I  _ understand  _ why.” He gets up from the table. “Thank you for breakfast,” he heads to the bedroom, ignoring their calls of his name.

Locus grabs one of his books and sits on the bed. He’s not actually going to read, but make it seem like he’s going to so they maybe ignore him. He’s timing them. They let him sit there for ten minutes before Megan comes in. She sits on the bed and looks at him before he looks up from the book.

“Tell me what you know so I can help you understand.”

Locus sets the book down on the nightstand. He doesn’t know where to start really. He knows that Felix used him. He knows that Felix told him nothing but lies to keep him on his side. He knows that much. He doesn’t understand why. 

“I would like to understand why he did what he did.”


	15. Things Are Okay, I Guess

Felix has been okay, he guesses. He’s not sure how exactly things are going, but he finally made himself move his shit upstairs. Finally sleeping in a proper bed. The first night he didn’t get much sleep. He thought too much of Locus. The next night was easier. He’s glad he moved to the bed. His back doesn’t hurt nearly as much.

He has started to buy food that needs a little preparation before eating. It’s getting easier to force himself to do things. He takes longer walks too. Well, most the time. He still doesn’t go out too often. Easier to avoid people. He tried going out to the bar once and, well… It didn’t go well. 

So, yeah, he stays home except when he has to go out for the walks and grocery store. It’s not too terribly bad since he’s gotten used to the silence. He has his games. So it’s not like he can’t talk to people in chats. 

Mason checks in once a week. He’s waiting for the call right now. It’s usually the same day every week unless something happens. He has an earbud in for the datapad to hear Mason and another earbud in to hear his game.

Speaking of Mason, the datapad rings and Felix hits accept. “Yo?”

“Hi, um. Megan is going to be talking to you today,” Mason quickly says before giving his datapad to Megan.

“What?! No! God dammit. Hi Megan,” Felix sighs. “What can I do for you?”

“I only have one question for you, then I’ll give you back to Mason.” She’s not happy. Felix can tell. It makes his stomach turn slightly.

“Okay, hold on one sec,” Felix finishes the round in his game and turns it off. He sets the controller next to him on the couch and takes out the earbud, replacing it with the one used to hear Megan. “Ask away.” 

“Sam has been asking to know why you did what you did and that’s my question to you. Why did you?”

Felix rubs his face. “I’ve been asking myself the same thing for months now. I don’t know. I think it boils down to who I am. Then the fear he’d stop having my back. I-” Felix pauses, trying to gather his thoughts. “Ever since he got me away from the situation we were in, I realized a part of me loves him. Even cares about him. And, uh, if I knew he was in contact with you guys sooner, I wouldn’t have attempted. Would’ve just forced him away, but I didn’t know. Just- yeah. There’s my answer.”

“That’s the big reason why?” Megan crosses her arms.

“Look, I’m sorry that who I am isn’t a good enough answer for you. I went out the other day to the bar and started pulling the same shit before I realized and came back home. I’m sorry you never got to meet the real me. I’m a fucking piece of shit and that will never fucking change because it is way too fucking hard for me to change. So, unless you’re going to put Mase back on, I’m hanging up.”

“I’ll get Mason.” Megan leaves the frame. Few seconds later, Mason shows up. He puts the earbuds in.

“I’m so sorry, I accidentally let it slip that I’ve been talking to you and she threatened to cut off my other leg if I didn’t let her talk a bit. See it didn’t go well.”

“Fuck you. That’s what I have to say.” Felix gets off the couch, taking the datapad with him to the kitchen. 

“Sorry. She probably won’t want to talk to you again anyways. Other than pissed at me, how are you feeling?”

“Uh, take away the pissed? I don’t know. I’m fine, I think. I’m doing well keeping my eating disorder under control. Then,” Felix takes the juice out of the fridge and takes a sip. 

“Then what?”

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“You know you can tell me.” 

Felix notices Mason looking somewhere off screen. Like someone maybe entered the room. Most he does is smile and go back to Felix when it appears they left the room.

“Was that Sam?” Mason nods. “Of course. I, um. I told him I loved him before I made him leave. I keep thinking about it.”

“He mentioned something about that. Did you actually mean it?” 

“At the time, yes.”

“What about now?”

“Yes and no.” He takes one last sip of juice before putting it back in the fridge.

“It’s okay, you know. He’s getting better every day. Some are still worse than others.” 

“Don’t- please.” Felix heads to the living room, turning off everything and grabbing the laptop. “I finally moved upstairs though.” 

“Sorry. That’s good! You’re starting to get better as well.”

“Yeah,” Felix takes the steps two at a time. “I’m gonna shower then go to bed. See you next week Mase.”

“I’m here if yo-” Felix hits end call before Mason could finish his sentence. He doesn’t like hearing Mason talk about being there for him. He doesn’t deserve it.

Felix sets the laptop on the bed and connects it to the charger. He goes to the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. He messes with his hair. He needs a haircut. Maybe he’ll go get one soon. He strips out of his clothes and looks at his scars. One of these days he’s going to break the mirror. He can’t stand looking at himself, yet he does it anyway. 

Shower then bed. Maybe he’ll do something tomorrow. For now he just wants to go to bed.


	16. Just a Minor Setback

Locus managed to trick both of them. He didn’t take his mini press and he didn’t actually fall asleep. He sneaks out of bed ever so carefully. He quietly heads to the guest bathroom, closing the door behind him.

They’ve stopped checking him for new cuts. He hasn’t thought of cutting himself, but something compels him to.

He takes his shirt off and stares at the scars he has. Most of them he can name for you. Who did what. Where they occurred. He reaches over the medicine cabinet to grab his blade. He holds the smooth, cold side against his skin. He’s missed this feeling. He slowly digs into his skin, watching in the mirror. The blood sliding down his torso.

He only gets in three decent cuts before there is a knock on the door. Okay maybe he wasn’t as stealthy because they always check to make sure he’s still in bed.

“Sam?” It’s Mason. He quickly puts the blade back and his shirt on before opening the door. “You okay?”

He doesn’t have a lie ready. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“What were you doing in here?” 

Locus shrugs and moves past him. The blood wasn’t given time to dry. They’ll find out he did this. He can’t hide this tonight. They’ll hold onto him and feel it. Locus stop moving.

“You sure you’re okay?” Mason puts his hand on Locus’ shoulder. 

He doesn’t say anything back. He just stares ahead. Are they going to be mad at him? Did he just make them disappointed? They told him he was doing better. Is he not now? Does this mean there’s no such thing as better?

Mason moves to look directly at Locus. He can see the panic in his eyes. All Locus does is put Mason’s hand on his stomach. Where he can feel the sticky wet through the shirt. Mason internally sighs. Locus can see it. He’s disappointed. Maybe he shouldn’t be there ever.

Mason takes his hand and leads him to the master bathroom, pinching Megan’s feet as he passes the bed. He makes Locus take off his shirt.

“What is it?” Megan yawns. She had a long day. He regrets that this was enough to make Mason wake her.

“I need a washcloth please.” Mason sounds so calm. How could he be? He has to be in trouble. Something’s going to happen.

Megan returns with a clean washcloth and some peroxide. “Here.”

“Thanks Meg.” Mason gets to work cleaning the wounds. They’re deep, but not deep enough to need stitches.

“Sam,” his attention turns to her. Why are they so calm? “It’s okay. You’re safe here.” 

Locus shakes his head.

“Do you want to tell me why you don’t think it’s safe here?” 

“It-” Locus doesn’t want to say it out loud. He doesn’t want to speak at all. They could use it against him. He forces himself to answer her question. “It all feels like one big lie. I don’t-” he grits his teeth at the feel of the peroxide. “I don’t deserve any of this. Aren’t you two mad?”

“Honey, why would we be mad? You’re having a rough time right now. You deserve to be here with us. You deserve to be loved and be happy.”

“I’m nothing but a burden.”

“No, you’re not. You could never be a burden. We love that you’re here. We’re glad you’re somewhere where you can be taken care of,” Mason offers a small smile. 

“Let’s get you into bed,” Megan holds out her hand. 

Locus takes her hand, heading to bed while Mason cleans everything up. He loves being in their arms. He actually does feel safe then. It’s when he’s not in their grip that he starts to feel terrible about everything.

By morning, nobody thinks twice about last night. They make sure he keeps his wounds clean. He helps with breakfast. Nothing changed, really. Locus is always thankful about that. When something happens, they still stick to routine. 

Only difference is what him and Megan talk about before she leaves for work. How he feels lost sometimes still. How he misses Felix more than he wants to. How he feels like he’s a burden when he can’t control the urges like last night. Forgets that he’s human and these things are natural. How he still feels like the monster when he isn’t anymore. 

She tells him the truth. It takes time. A lot of time. That these things may never go away, but they’ll be more manageable with the help they provide him. That if he tries the things she tells him to do, then maybe he can be “better.” She always tells him there’s no such thing as cured. That he most likely will deal with this for the rest of his life. But they’re there to help him when he needs it. That they’ll bring him back every single time he relapses. Tell him he’s okay. That he’s just human. That it’s natural.

He tries to remind himself the rest of the day that he’s only human. This is a human response. He’s no longer the monster. He never will be as long as he stays away from Felix or people like him. He’ll be okay. He can handle the downs. He is only human afterall. 


	17. I Can't Take This Anymore

Felix grows restless. He doesn’t know what to do anymore. He stopped answering Mason’s calls. Doesn’t want to talk to him at all. All he does is ask how he’s doing and if he needs them to ever come get him. Why would he need that when he’s fine on his own? Which, none of them believe that. 

He would rather go out, do  _ something _ , but no he can’t do that. Well, he could. If he’s willing to let go of this. Let who he is take control again. Instead of trying to control it like he has been. Which is exhausting. Always having to watch what he says, what he does. He can’t take it anymore, really.

He’s been thinking about asking for Locus back though. He wants his Locus back so badly. But he knows the Wu’s would never let that happen. Which is understandable. So, tonight Felix is going out. Fuck this shit. He’s been “good” for long enough. 

He goes to the local bar he knows of, sitting at a table by himself near the corner with a glass of beer and his phone out. He keeps himself occupied with that for some time, looking around to inspect those that come in. Getting very few refills. He doesn’t want to drink a lot tonight. That’s not what he’s there for. 

Felix is good at figuring out who he can easily control. For example, this guy walks in with a friend. A friend because of the body language both of them give off. Staying somewhat away from one another. One walks like he’s marching to battle, almost nervous. The other is a little more slouched, relaxed. They’re searching for possible partners for the night. Or, at least, the more relaxed is going to try to get the other one someone for the night. Easy enough. 

That's just step one. Step two. Put on the charm. Glance over every so often. If caught, smile kindly. By the look of the person, he knows if they'll come to him or not. He knows for sure that this one won’t come over. It’s the nervous one looking at him.

By the guy's third drink and multiple times they've made eye contact, Felix finishes his glass and heads over to the table.

“May I join you gentlemen?” Felix asks, pointing to the empty seat next to nervous one. 

“Sure,” the guy smiles. Voice somewhat deep. Seals the deal even more for Felix.

Felix sits down. “Name's Felix.”

“Jim and this is my buddy Zach.”

It doesn’t take long for Zach to leave them alone for someone his own endeavors. Felix is buying this guy any drinks he wants. Which is actually a lot. He’ll complain about it later. He pretends to know everything this guy is talking about. Says things he knows would interest the guy just from what he’s saying. He’s hitting it off flawlessly. 

After some time, Jim asks Felix if he wants to go back to his place. Of course the answer is yes. All this would be for nothing if it didn’t come to this.

Step three. They get a cab back to his place. Felix refusing to kiss Jim directly. Letting him kiss Felix’s neck. He hates when they can touch him, but keeps his act up. For now at least.

Felix is amused by how drunk he is though. Didn’t think he’d succeed with getting him this drunk to do as he pleases. Maybe a few no’s here and there. But hey, this is going to be fun either way. For Felix at least. 

Felix pays the cab driver before the two head up to Jim’s home. Not taking note of any of the mess that’s on all the tables. Felix gets him to the bedroom before he continues to whine about not being able to kiss him, quickly undresses him, throwing the clothes aside, and pushes Jim down on the bed hard.

Step four. Success. With Jim’s hands bound together by his belt, he takes his time preparing. Glad he didn’t drink more or else he wouldn’t be able to do this. Gloves, condoms, lube, leaving absolutely no trace he was there. Should be pretty easy. It usually is. It’s just been so long. He’s making sure he doesn’t mess anything up.

When Felix is done, he takes the condom, tying the top, and puts it in his pocket. He takes his belt off Jim’s hands and puts it back on himself. Jim’s not moving any time soon. Especially since he has a bleeding asshole and should be sore everywhere already. 

Amused and content with his night, Felix walks out of the house. He looks around to see where he is. When he figures it out, he heads in the direction of home. 

It felt so good to get out and do this shit again. To listen to someone beg for mercy. He’s missed it so much. 


	18. Somewhere Over The Rainbow Brings a New Life

Everything seems fitting. Like this is how it should’ve been all along. Maybe that’s true, but for now, Locus is thankful. He’s even started to truly accept himself as Sam. He is Sam. Not a suit of armor. He’s himself. The guy that tells you every little fact about Star Wars. The guy that will fight you about how the prequels are just as good as the originals (even though he loves the originals more). The guy that will read endless amounts of books. The guy that makes the most terrible of jokes. The guy he used to be. Almost.

Sam… He’s still getting used to calling himself Sam. He gets up before the others today. Taking a quick shower and getting dressed before they even notice he’s out of bed. He grabs his book he’s been reading. Then goes to the kitchen to start the coffee pot. When the coffee is finished, he pours himself a cup and takes the book with him out back. 

He heads over to the hammock, sipping at the still hot coffee. He sets the coffee down where he knows he can reach it, but not knock it down. He sits on the hammock, positioning himself perfectly for one leg to be able to touch the ground to swing himself.

It only takes a chapter and a half before one of them comes outside. It’s Mason. For some reason he was expecting Megan to come out to get him. 

“Good morning,” Mason smiles.

“Morning. Sorry if I made either of you panic. I was up early,” Sam puts his bookmark in place before closing it. He sits up and grabs his, now cold, cup of coffee.

“No, we weren’t worried. I just wanted to see if you wanted breakfast cause if so, then Megan’s gonna start cooking when she’s out of the shower.” 

Sam gets off the hammock. “Yeah, breakfast sounds nice.”

“Anything you’d like to make specifically?” 

“Nah. I’m fine with cereal honestly. I’m not that hungry,” Sam walks inside, followed by Mason. He puts his coffee in the microwave to warm it up. He hops up on the counter and opens his book again. 

“May I ask what you’re reading this time?” Mason asks.

“Oh, uh. Meg and I went to the bookstore the other day, when you were out. And I saw this book and I remember it from my childhood and I just had to get it. It’s a sci-fi.” 

“The type doesn’t surprise me. What’s it about?” 

“Basically,” Sam gets off the counter to get his coffee, “it’s about some 20-25 soldiers, scientists, and astronauts that are sent to a planet a lot like Earth to like, uh, investigate if they can start sending others there because of the overpopulation crisis on Earth.”

“Lemme guess, it’s not a good place.” 

“Nope. There’s like these monsters that live underwater or in caves that they find. Only, like, three of them make it back to Earth.” 

“Do they still send people to this planet after those alive come back?” 

“Yup. I remember looking it up when I was little that there was supposed to be another book, but the author never got around to it.”

“That sucks.” 

“What sucks?” Megan walks into the kitchen and immediately makes herself a cup of coffee.

“There was supposed to be another book to this, but it never happened.” 

“I hate when that happens.” Megan waves both Sam and Mason out of the kitchen. “Go, I’ll make breakfast.”

“But I always help,” Sam is a little confused. 

“Not today. Go on now.” 

Mason takes a hold of Sam’s arm to drag him out. They go to the living room. Mason turns on the news and sits in his chair. Sam is still a bit confused. They’re breaking routine a little. 

“What’s special about today?” Sam asks. He sets his coffee and the book down. He sits on the couch. 

“Do you really not remember?” 

“No? I guess not.” 

“Today is your birthday.” 

Sam thinks about what day it is. He hasn’t celebrated his birthday in over a decade. If not longer than what he’s thinking. But yeah, Mason’s right. Today is his birthday.

“Oh, I forgot.”

“We weren’t going to say anything until breakfast was served, but happy birthday Sam,” Mason smiles.

“Thank you,” Sam looks away. He’s hoping they didn’t get him anything. Just maybe say it and that’s it. 

At breakfast, Megan serves him with a plate of his favorite. It’s that moment he feels it. He truly feels loved and cared for. He hasn’t felt this since early childhood. He know that for sure. Not many have actually cared that much for him. Not as much as both of them do. How they took him in. How they help him daily with anything. How he can rely on them anytime he needs them. How he doesn’t have to worry about anything anymore. He feels it. Loved. Cared for. It’s different. 

He looks down at the table, smiling. Yet tears are falling. He doesn’t understand the tears, but he knows he’s okay. Everything will be fine. Nothing can take this away from him now. Even when he has a low, which he knows he will. It’ll be fine. He’s loved. They care. It’s the best feeling in the world to him.

“Sam? You okay?” Mason asks.

Sam looks up, “I think I’m happy.”


	19. This Is The End For Me

Felix just sold the rest of his gaming equipment. A little extra cash never hurt no one. He’s been withdrawing most of his money the past couple of days. The rest was sent to Locus’ account. Then he shut down all his bank accounts. He doesn’t really need his money, if then, not that much. He can use his charm to get anything he wants from the right people. Which, he’ll most likely do anyways.

He stares into the living room, realizing he now has nothing to do. He heads upstairs to the bedroom to find there’s still nothing to do. Should’ve just kept the shit and burned it with the rest before leaving. Would’ve been a better idea and he wouldn’t be bored now. He’ll just move a few days ahead of schedule. It’s whatever. Not like anything is set in stone or has to be done on a specific day.

Felix grabs the backpack from the closet he stole from a garage sale in the neighborhood the other weekend. He starts folding the clothes he wants to take with him neatly to be packed away into the bag. Couple of shirts, some pants, mostly some underwear and socks. He puts half the cash in his pocket and the other half in the hidden pocket in the backpack. The knives stay on him at all times.

He takes the backpack downstairs and sets it next to the front door, ready to go for a quick escape. He grabs one of the four cans of gasoline out of the hall closet, that he’s collected over the weeks, heading upstairs. He starts farthest away from the stairs. Making sure everything is somewhat covered to leave no trace evidence of him. Not like anyone has his records anymore, but just to be safe. Someone might be able to dig something up of him.

He thinks of the times he could’ve kept Locus there. The times that, yeah, Locus knew what he had done, but he could’ve kept it up. Everything would be fine. But he was talking to the Wu’s behind his back. And he realized that what he did wasn’t a good thing. He still knows it isn’t. It warrants for him to be in jail. He knows. Can’t let it eat him up inside. Not if he’s going to go through with this. It’s better to have fun and keep your old self caged up inside than to let him out. Felix tried letting him out. Ended with a suicide attempt and the loss of Locus.

The empty can is thrown aside. He heads back down to get another. Two for upstairs and two for downstairs. Should be enough. The first one did cover half of the upstairs. His math wasn’t that far off, thankfully.

This all should burn up fairly quick. They’ve been having a dry spell lately. Even a fire warning set in place. So a neighbor’s house or two might also catch fire, but that’s okay. Felix won’t be around to see the aftermath. Sadly.

With the living room walls and floor done, Felix steps outside. The smell is really starting to get to him. Kudos to those that do this for a living. When ready, he heads back in. He lights up the top floor and quickly spills the last can on the way out. He grabs his backpack and closes the door behind him. 

He can smell the fire a block away. It did go up in flames quickly. Good. He runs. Sadden by the fact that he can’t stay and watch his latest masterpiece. He has to keep moving. Get out of there. Few minutes later, he hears firetrucks heading his way. He turns the corner. 

Felix notices a car parked in a driveway. He looks around to see if there’s anyone. There isn’t. He feels lucky when he doesn’t have to break the window. Someone decided to leave the car unlocked. He quickly hotwires it and is off. He drives far away until night comes. When under the cover of night, he finds a lake. Readying himself, he sets up to drive the car into the water, bailing with his stuff before being taken under with the car. He gets up, brushing himself off and continues walking in the direction he was going.

This is where the story ends for Felix, but his journey has just begun. Embracing what he is, he leaves everything behind. No contacts. No backup. Nothing. Just himself and anyone he can wrap his finger around.


	20. I Found a Strength I've Never Known

All three of them are woken up abruptly. Sam knows the sound. It’s the data pad to indicate it’s from Felix. He’s learned the sound since Mason let slip they were talking. Though, they haven’t in awhile. The Wu’s are concerned about this. Sam doesn’t know how he feels exactly.

Mason is the one that gets up and answers it. He walks out of the room. Sam just lays back down. He starts to cuddle up to Megan when Mason comes back in. 

“Sam?” 

Sam groans in response.

“The house burnt down.” That makes him sit up. “It was deliberately set on fire according to the fire chief. Isaac is nowhere to be found.” 

“He changed the number to your’s before setting the fire and leaving.”

“How would you know?” Megan asks.

“Well, if he’s nowhere to be found, then he obviously set it. And he changed the number by forging my signature so we would know it happened. Sell the lot. I don’t care.” He looks over at the time and decides to just get up.

“You okay?” Mason sets the data pad down.

“Yeah actually. I really don’t care. I’m happy here. I’m… I’m okay.” Sam smiles. “I’m going to shower though.”

Megan and Mason smile at each other as the door to the bathroom shuts. He’s finally doing better. Especially since he doesn’t really care about anything anymore. He still can’t talk about everything that happened without shutting down, but when he doesn’t talk about it, he’s pretty fine. 

Sam thinks slightly of Felix. He wonders where he’s going. What the goal is by doing all this. None of it really matters, but he still wonders. He makes himself stop thinking about it and finish the shower. 

The day is spent having fun. Megan doesn’t have to go to work today, so she’s working in the garden. Mason is making repairs outside as well. Sam helps anyone that needs it. Creating jokes and making everyone happy. He makes them a lunch when it gets to that time. Gets drinks. Little things he can do to help them. 

They want to move to a smaller house even though Sam keeps trying to pay for things. He has the money, but they don’t want him paying for much. He can pay a third of the place. A third of the bills. Sometimes pay for groceries. That’s it. 

Come dinner, Sam has been thinking of it more. He doesn’t know what to do with the money. He wants to do something with it, but what?

“Question.” Sam waits till both of them sit at the table. “What can I do with the money I have? Since you both won’t let me pay for everything.”

“Well,” Mason thinks. “Maybe some charities?” 

“We can look into some charities if you’d like?” Megan suggests.

Sam puts some salad on his plate. “I guess we could do that. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.” 

“It’s okay. We can look into it after dinner,” Megan smiles.

Sam nods, somewhat excited. He’ll try to talk to them about paying for their kid’s college maybe. He’s brought that up before, but they shot it down because they have to pay for it themselves. Apparently something happened to make it that way. They won’t tell him what happened. That’s okay. 

They search through all the different charities, checking into the ones that catch Sam’s eye. Once he figures those out, they’ll go through and get everything set up. It’s a nice way to give back. Sam loves it.

While everyone is getting ready for bed, Sam gets out his little journal that he sometimes writes in. He looks through from the beginning. How much he really missed Felix then. How much he wished he was there. The difference between now and then. He flips to a clean page, writing the date first. Then he writes:

_ When an asshole says they want to change, but doesn’t give any effort to, run. When an asshole says they will try their best to change, but you see no progress, run. Run far away. Because they don’t mean it. They say it to keep you around longer, playing you. You think they mean it. That maybe they’ll actually change.  _

_ Just one more chance.  _

_ But you’re in too deep. You can’t get away. And it’s already over. You can’t live without them. You need them. They frustrate you. Make you angry. Then turn around and say they care about you. _

_ You believe it. They seem sincere. You question nothing. They’re there for you. Until they tell you to leave. To never come back. Sending you off to live somewhere else. But you need them. It takes force till you finally go.  _

_ You miss them. You dream about them. You want to run back to them. But others are keeping you from doing that. They’re keeping you safe, they say. You don’t feel safe. You want them back. You want to be with them. And they won’t let you. _

_ They feed you medication. Make you talk about what happened. You see it as wrong, but why do you? You can’t figure out why. It’s all you ask anymore. Why?  _

_ Things starts to get better when you get an answer. When you find real caring people. You start to realize everything is okay. You don’t want to be with them anymore. You like where you’re at.  _

_ A sort of happy ending. _

_ But for the asshole, there will never be a happy ending. Maybe one day, you hope they’ll have a happy ending, but you know inside they won’t and you feel bad. _

_ Until you remember where you are and suddenly you don’t care. You take your happy ending with wonderful people. You deserve it. And they deserve their ending. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that stuck through to the very end or just read the entire thing! Y'all are very awesome. This could've been a lot better if I had taken the time to edit. But ya know, I'm very proud with this one.   
> Anyways, thanks again! Y'all are great!   
> Also, listen to Praying by Kesha and reread the part in italics.   
> Anyways... <3


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